So - Its sunday - PMD and I are about to do another anti-social tour but decide to include others and call The master - the contemplation master - and he already has a ride in the works and claims Focker - Aliass big bird - is in!!  Shortly thereafter Fock tops the excuse list with "I cant ride because a wagon wheel fell on my head and I cant fit my helmet on"..  So I call Jane - He has been Very ride commitment PHObic lately, and im impressed, im such a role model... "if im there im there"..   Says OBD was going there anyway with his chick..  Im thinking hmmm this will be like the 4th time I havent ridden with OBD and the TOfu Queen... TQ..   Call SPlatt for 50 cent tour possiblities on new ST, also call rookie for the invite, really just to give him sh!t since he doesnt have a bike and its like the nicest riding day since october 1965..   OK - So at 1:15 on the wet spot, Everyone shows up as planned, Its THCM, PM (shirtless, just how GI likes me), PMD, GI-J (IMHO - Im a HOmo), OBD, TQ, some horsies and THCM's now southern bell Xgirfriend with new husband..   OBD sees the boner and is like "oh my god"...  Yes the usuall reaction..  And this was a 2 boner ride..

Ride indecision was quick - I have the GPS therefore OBD will show us the goods..  Cross the street, Up the blue, I immediately depress (as apposed to impress) and get up on a huuuuge rock, then fall in a ditch on the other side.. I always wondered what was on the other side, but was afraid to look... Up the blue OBD leads on his XC bullit, all decked out with ghetto chrome finish,  fancy headset and integral black fender..  Hey, maybe if my fender was black, I would get less sh!t from all you fockers..  Onward to yellow down, all kinds of 6" air..  The expression on TQ's face is as if her dog just died, but hey how would you feel if you were tied up in the basement all night???   OK sharp right off the yellow for bonus uphilling, to down, left to roller to Fire road..  To "nice Beaver" trail, we rode the rim around the wet spot, continued, I missed 20 feet of epic Single track, to orange GI JANE DABBED, Yes he put his foot down, for the record he was the only one, and it was the easies section of trail..  Ok im done..  Left on semi stunt trail, I ride blindish faith, convince THCM and PMD to ride the rock, they both do without any bitching, probably some MOANing out of PMD but no QMing..  ONward I get my "crank stuck" on the jump log..  BB height excuse along with lack of rider ability..   To FIre Road again..  TQ's brakes are squeeeking like a pair of rusty handcuffs, so OBD starts infestigating..  I tell him to turn the red knobs but this is a familiy show, actually this is about the farthest thing from a family show so he turns the knobs anyway..     PMD races back up the trail so her legs dont fall asleep, hits the 6"er twice gettin her mini me free ride on..  The take it apart and put it back together again method of bike repair seemed to help but TQ promises OBD will be locked in the basement as soon as they get home..  To fix the brakes that is..   Yup OBD tied and gagged with a set of avid mechanicals, not a pretty thought to start your morning off...  SO..  We ride on..  Cruizy fire roads that ANkle biter would ROVE..     I would have called AB but hes probably at patchaug spanking some nambla monkey's or sometin...

Cross 190, to FR, To trail that ends in nice downhill with HUUUUUGE 2 footer at the bottom, nice, I think Jane even hit it...  One of the nicest 2 footers in the state..   Back to FR's (thats fire roads), Some fast sections, OBD leads giving Jane beta over every tiny high speed drop, hence giving me un-beta and so on and so on..  Fun down, Jane "skids in my general directions"  to another classic teenager and toddler head uphill...   This is the uphill before the uphill, I fly past jane at the first possible moment in QM-2 but blow my load and he stays on my ass...   FInally after much climbing we are at the bottom, yes bottom of shaved smooth moundain..   Or Bald mountain to Be PC..   So another climb with lots of downhills, my ears popped twice..   THCM is covered in sweat, like he's been strangling monkeys all morning..   GI and I are at the top wondering what PMD is up to, of course for the 3rd time this ride he says "shes probably playing with herself"..  So I yell "PMD!!  WHAT ARE YOU DOING, PLAYING WITH YOURSELF!!??   She replies with some load moaning followed by laughing..  She cant even fake it with a straight face, something im used to..  Yes the boner stem gets laughs on and off the trail...  TO new on camber single track, nice, one steep down PMD finesses her brakes and is in control..  Back to section 2 new trail, SOme ST on a wide bench, to nice hairy-Pins, almost careening off every turn, 2 aesthetic bridges at the bottom, to a couople knee breaker rock sections oozing soapstone summer fog..   Miss one trail on the way back but still get a cool pine needle section with roots that grab your feet..  THCM wants to go faster on the downs, Less braking??  that might help..   OK - Back across 190, PMD and I hit the blue, the rest take the hard route on the fire roads..

Great ride - Exerrent Pace - 11 miles 1200 vert in 1 1/2 hours (OBD time)??  Ok 2 1/2 hours - DOH

Post ride eats, its amazing we had  6 riders and 7 eaters, now THAT'S a record.. We saw GI qm'ing the right turn on red to join us, he committed and drove shakily into the lot.. To Panda garden, SSK or SN joins us with coordijinated clothing (GI and SSK both wearing Sedona bike T-shirts - classic)..  Its there anniversary soon, I plan on sending them on the most grueling, unridden, thorn infested misadventures I have found in the scummiest of areas north of Mass, that way they will have a huge fight and I can have GI all to myself...  GI claims that I have been PMing the marriage proposal to PMD, and she insists that she is QMing the response as well..  Man im taking a beating today, or is that OBD's line....    Talks of GI becoming a teacher, Free-ride 101 I assume, New 9th grade class, like your gonnna trust your daughter alone in the woods with GI - Janes trash talkin circumsision, make that currlickulum, come on spell check curriculum ....   So on the way to get food, PMD were talking about the swingers club and somehow that "came out" the wrong way..  One of OBD's eyebrows raised up.. GI knew of the place.. So TQ orders her favorite meatless dinner bean curd and veggies... YUK..  Actually To be completely honest, when we got home, 1 hour later, PMD and I were hungry - oH Tushee' - I cooked up some tofu and veggies with brown rice, its crazy...   So anyway back to TQ - so she says after she orders "I dont care how you give it to me" or "give it to me any way you want" and then "I dont eat meat"..  Wich reminds me that I saw porkies the other day after riding cock south, what a classic..   So SN or SSK, I should pick one, or not, or combine them SNSK super nurse super skirt anyway she starts talking about protection, knee protections, she uses a bull frog which is a maxi pad covered in nylons or something..   "cracked the whole table up"...   She was actually on her way to rookies delivering pot plants so decided to join us...  Everyone noticed that the menu pages were stuck together, which I attribute the high humidity in the kitchen being displaced into the hostess area by positive pressure created by the supply fan system, and the fact that the cook is a pathalogical snackerbator who plays ring toss with now sticky dunkin donuts between meals..   Did anyone notice the rice was sticky too??, I even stuck to the seat, thank god they have that sign in the bathroom for employees to was hands before returning to work, as if they can read engrish, the sign above the toilet should probably say "employees must wash hands before returning to work - P1, P2"  As Jane would say - always order by number 220 221 whatever it takes..   So we eat, the waiter is sweating like we are food critics, he is correct sir....   FOod to go, I sponsor GI's meal with one of my left over stripper dollars and we leave....   THCM makes a bold move and goes out the in door, with to me makes less sense the going in the out door and ironically as he did it, some guy yells "asshole", actually he just mouthed it as the windows were shut.. 

Epic post ride Sticky carbo loading and a great ride..  Thanks to OBD for the tour..

Rating - 7 tickets to MBM (Mountain Biker Mingles) the swingers club (bring your latex leave your spandex at the door) - In the Future due to the excessive need for recycling, every sex toy must also be a mountain bike part, so if you stop in at the local swinger club you will find 12"  boner stems in action and ribbed for her pleasure, 5 avid mechanical brake spring nipple clamps, bike choker chains, handle bar grip condoms so thick you can go for days, dozens of 11 speed XTR Nickel metal hydride vibrators, buzzing at 2300 rpm on many bald mountains, QM1 cock rings (ouch - all in the spirit of recycling)...OF course the brass nipples and rim job brakes have gone out of style years ago so you'll have to visit the retro slut bar for that one..  With Al Gore as president you even have to recycle your pick up lines and conversation like "hey nice nobbies" or "wanna get dirty" "wait I have to put on my helmet"  "cum lube my chain" etc etc etc...  Just make sure and leave your Joe Blow penis pumps at home...

Ok that was exhausting - Good game - nice game - good game - PM