Before it gets too late and the news becomes too stale I figured I should catch up on events..

Friday - Wells Woods with CT, GI and The Cable Guy (who needs a new name)..  So CT emails the group, I ponder and wait as I work furiously on some highly important calculation that will determine the fate of sweaty office people at a local insurance company..  So im on the fence, then GI emails me that he, CT and TCG are in..  So I decide to bring the camera, call GI and he said he was planning on bailing, but to no avail - his hunger for stardom sucked him in to the depths of wells woods ,knee pads and all..

GPS and camera in camel, I was ready for heavy spectating and filming..  Couple dirt jumps to warm these guys up, I wheelie drop the 2 footer clumsily, onward.. GI gets a phone call, making sure life star is near by for CT..  Double Drop, then mini huck, swoosh swoosh swoosh..  Horseshoe, drop drop drop, and THEN GI is thinking of hucking the 7 footer to flat landing (im thinking this early in the game??  must be hopped up on the gonadville again)..  Oh did I mention we had 2 lovely dogs with us - SID and Kona..  Sh!T, if we had shimano with us we would have a complete dog bike..   So CT is intrigued and ready to do something..  Something...  Not sure what.. 

So GI hucks first, Tilts a little to the east (due to the lopsided inflated gonads) and lands like a cesna running out of gas with a drunken newbie pilot on a windy day..  Phew..  Sooooo  CT is up next..  Trying to psyche himself up - he is thinking about the wild party at his house later, him the star of the show riding stunts in the backyard, naked college girls swarming like groupies at a metalica concert..  He is now shrunken down to mouse size and riding between some of the lushest D-cup mountains at wells woods, nipples poking up in the glistening sun, casting a shadow on his new 40 lb free-ride bike, he hits a divit button on the trail, but sees a patch of single track past the bush, shifts to granny 3 for the entry with protection on, when suddenly, the moist mound he is riding turns to rock and he's back at wells woods (in motion) about to ride off a 7 footer, for some strange reason, should I huck, should I wheelie, should I roll, Hooooahhhhhhrrrrghhhh (none of the above), CT rides off like someone removed his brain for 5 seconds and put it back in during flight..  Sounds of his bike absorbing his contorted body, twisting into the soft but rocky ground..  He is face down, and quite longitudinal, we hear breathing, then a load echooooing  FOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOCK!!!  I turn the camera off for like 10 seconds and make sure he is ok, then keep filming as he inspects his body for missing parts..  Luckily I didn't see anything roll by so im like PHEW as im sure he would SUE gonadvil..   TCG was VERY concerned about the condition of CT's rims and inspected them right away..  Perfect!!  Think he bought some that night...  Anyway, we made him limp home, head down, knee in shambles, bike in excellent shape and we continued to ride..  GI jane feeling guilty - HOLY SH!T - news break - Someone in OUR riding group actually has a conscience!!!

1 down 3 to go..  Ill cut to the highlights..  I huck a 2 footer..  Kona and SID roll the 4 footer, then share a stick (GI's stick)..  Bastard..  I launch A&W off diving board to see if it holds up to puke, GI gets up close and personal film of my stem in action  (yes with sid and kona)..  TCG does a better job on the quick down, but cuts off my head (the main attraction of course)..  4.3 footer sequence..  GI wants me to shoot more than 3 seconds and has a plan..  So he gets some speed, hucks with style, spits dust at the camera (cough cough) around the corner, heads for the hairpin at 20 and makes it around in record time (but his bike didnt make it!!), an epic crash OTB without harm..  TCG up next, I didnt tell him, but when he was busy scolding GI for giving sid the stick, I put his tire on backwards, hence forth changing the bikes airbornedynamics and making it a bit nose heavy..  He landed using every bit of that 5" travel and probably at least 3" of frame crack flex..  Nice recovery though.. 

20 foot roller - GI is on top - sitting on his bike - looks like he is pulling a QM, but instead of walking his bike to a starting spot and getting clipped in, he just kind of peaks over the edge and rides off..   What style!!  I take back everything I said about you and your furry slobber machine..  Frank bails early, we continue and map out some trails, find whale rock (I woos out)..  Back to the cars we meet up with Super G, and TCG packing for some crazy cape cod kayak trip..  Talks of how awesome my bike is set up, Drive home..

Saturday - Cape Cod Kayak Adventure - Eastham..  So PMD and I meet Super G., TCG, OJ (or VB Veggie BOy), and TEA (trish), for a quick paddle in the salt marsh..  "2 hours is about all im good for in a kayak" - PM..  So we drop off the boats, shuttle a car, and we are off like a stretched out used condom into a waste basket..    So before we left frank is strapping on a compass to his neck and im looking at him realllll funny - What the hell are you going to use that for??  Like you cant see the sun on this perfect day, like we are going to get lost??  Like he even has a map..  So, out into the marsh I bring the GPS to impress.  We bear North 5 degrees east, up periscope (in my pants of course)..  We are headed toward a building that we drove by earlier, then we hit sand..  To make a long story short, we hit lots of sand, and mud, and walked, in circles for.......  acording to my calculations 2 miles.. We all had different routes, OJ & T did the least walking as they found a mystery chanel.. Finally after trudging through muddy crab infested shallow water, we do a U-y and head back to Square 2, find a channel, do some more walking..  OJ & T throw there paddles down and eat lunch - the rest trudge on..  I see water, I see land I see blisters on my hand..  TCG was laughing at me when I loaded my camel back with like 23 luna bars, im already half empty..  So in the distance we see cars at the "spit", and a closer beach umbrella..  T and I agree that there has to be a beach near the beach umbrella..  TCG wants to walk more in the mudd to get to the spit officially so super G can break out the caronas that OJ & T have been lugging all day..  I take a bold move and start walking across land, dragging swifty, ocean water like an apparition in the distance, got closer and closer with every step as it should..  There in no-time, the ocean..  NO more crabs, or mudd or 3" deep channels, ocean with breaking waves..  So we suck down some beers to lighten the cargo bin, and head out to the waves...  What a blast, within minutes we were surfing these small breaking waves, blue fish jumping out of the water, and seals observing us at a safe distance..  Just 4 more miles of paddling and were at the lighthouse, ocean much flatter here..  OJ & T way in front, land at plymoth rock first, stick a flag in the ground, lots of fat beached whales....  ahhhh...  So im like 30 feet from shore and I hear PMD scream - ahhhhhhhh - I look behind me and she is perched right on top of a 5 footer thats, ohhh sh!t about to break on top of me..  I paddle my ass off, surf it in at mach one and get dumped on shore like an empty garbage can meets the ground.. 

Shuttle the boats, back to TCG's, he is sick, has the chills, told him not to eat that sea grass..

Binnacle tavern, Party of 6, Drinks, trivia, banter, recollection of the days adventure, great food..  GOod game nice game good game - we got kicked out after 2 hours because super G started dancing on tables..

Sunday - Search for breakfast with PMD - every old person with blue hair and yellow teeth decided to get up at 9 and eat pancakes and eggs..  Every place packed - fock - so its off to Dunkin DOnuts for healthy egg sandwich..  By the way ankle biter - my unkle owns every dunkin donuts on the cape!! Anyway - Kalmus, windsurf, awesome day - Train wreck even had fun, PMD observed the parking lot sailors..

Tuesday, Boneyard - So PMD and I blow off GI's VC ride and head for some reall terrain, in search of more rock trails..  Im on a mission with a gps, that has dead batteries..  She is dissapointed that were not headed for the ridge so I drag her up the orange..  Perfectly clear day - Then down the fire road, new single track, back to orange, to new new trail I was looking for, then like a million new turns..  I have to go back and map some more.. Quick ride, lots of bertical. (new word, thats vertical thats accomplished with a Bike)..

Wed - Pre Pre ride - Ragged - so focker and I go to ragged..  Im a little wishy washy about the terrain so GI and kona go elsewhere..  Prob a good thing..  Mapped out some new double track, rock double track..  This place is like they took all the rocks from higby and boneyard and dumped em on the trails - wierd, theres not tons of rocks off the trail, just on the trail..  Lots of small cliffs here - with some work it would be free ride heaven..  Awesome views from the cliffside...  So focker is like hey - my new avid disk is making noise... "yeah mine makes noise too, just deal", then I look down and see my fork is locked out - DOH.. 50 more feet I realize my disk brake caliper is hanging from one loose bolt.. FOCK..  Im mainly pissed because the mission is in jeopardy..  Whip out my bag of nuts, and bolts, and mirraculousely find that a seat binder bolt has the same thread as the caliper fixing bolt.. YES - we are in business..  Back for more adventure we find a great spot to land an alien aircraft, then get on the blue red which I recognize..  Some great stuff here, short but SWWWWEEEET..  To canal trail out and back..  So im riding along and this black snake, hanging from a tree, drops on top of me, slithers down my shirt, down my pants and leg, finding its way to a hole in the ground where it finds dinner (mickey mouse)..  Way back more misadventure, power lines, golf course bushwack, back to home, wait more new trails..  trails everywhere, Deja puke from boneyard..  Have to come back, focker has an apointment at 3 with the cable guy, the Cocks cable guy, not frank..

Wed Pre ride - Ok - I wasn't here for this but - Brick, TT, RS, HJ, Trrrrrouble pre-rode the ridge.  HJ bails sick of riding granny hard, take that middle ring off and start filling.. 

Wed night ride - 13 of us - Brick, TT, RS, Trouble, puke, PMD, Neil, PIT, Focker, S&B, JD, BARBIE (sporting granny seven)!!!, Sock stuffer (in the station wagon full of kids - he left a window open).  Head out for the new stuff, twisty off camber focker trails, on the first exit to road barbie goes 1/2 otb and lands in the crowd.. PMD cleans (one for the girls barb!)..  More new stuff, I hang back in the rare sweeper position and chat with JD and trouble..  OK hold on I have to go use the bathroom, ill be right back..  Flush.. Onward, past the jersey barrier love connection, up hill, barbie talks of his new sport Go-cart racing, to road trouble bails..  Big maze, PMD leads, PIT flats, I clean up some yellow tape that homo race coordinators  left behind giving mtbers a bad name..  I would like to divorce myself from all the hype that is mountain biking, it would solve so many problems..  LIke if we called what we ride, a TSV (trail surfing vehicle) instead of bike, we would have no problems with all those square blue no bikes signs on blue trails..  Tangent - sorry, Ill tell my people to buy trailsurfers.com and do something about it.. 

So - Lots of fun stuff, its getting dark, S&B and RS are on there first night ride and loving it..  2 footer I huck, JD, Brick, it was dark not sure who else..  JD hucks the three..  Back to road, lights on, to mini-maze, to 12.5 walls, we run into 5 riders and let them buy..Raft bridge, stuffer lacking gonadvil couple takers - S&B cleans it!!  Nice.  The missing rungs actually help..  To 1/2 moon, these trails are smoother than ever and still we dab like a white afro wearing painter on sunday morning TV..  To off camber I almost make but fall off into the dark ditching my bike and light, land like a cat with a twisted back..  Find my bike, hike back up, focker laughs...  Nemesis up, pmd gets, I get at a 45 degree angle according to onlookers..  To doulbe track, stuffer and focker lead ahead..  I just like saying that..  Focker and stuffer.. They should do more rides together..  High speed uphill, first time I used bank turns going uphill, awesome..  To stream, focker gets whet, PMD's light dies but of course I bring an extra for her as I had some sort of premention someone would need light..  If it was anyone but here the fee would have been 75 cents..  Knife edge, roller coaster, Down, up, up..  I pass Stuffer and focker on the left lip bushy line..  ONward, ahead I find a big black pipe and decide to bring the prize home..  Riding with pipe, well actually im used to it.. Heh Heh...  So I decide to pass SS again with pipe in hand then my light dies, survey said, click the remote switch, back in business, he gets pissed at the top and dusts me..  I coitesly wait for the crew..

Talks of trials, I will be in NJ with PMD, quote from brick 2 seconds after PMD leaves "so she wont let you go"..  Too funny..  So Smokey bar Lots of us, 2 tables with brick in between as the table to table translator..  Lots of pictures, guiness not kodak, food banter etc...   Great time, I drove through at least 5 red lights on the way home to get to the one green one that I stopped at..

Nice game - good game

Thursday - stop and shop - I need food..  Get a basket full of power bars and a turkey thats already ready..  Wait in express lane forever..  The woman in front of me is buying all organic food and has no idea what it costs I offer (75 cents to the cashier)..  Bored in line I give the woman Fockers phone number because she has cool glasses and an internet friendly butt..  So then im up - My favorite stop and shop bagger comes by and talks about what a nice day it is.. Then shares with me how she got a SPARE at boweling last night..  I tell her not to quit her day job, her fockers number and leave with zone bar in mouth, coffee in hand... 

Thrusday - Bikerag is not a crime - So we go climbing - Meet Sushi Nuts at EMS cash register after buying every piece of apparatus in the store..  Coffee, gas, Cathole..  FOcker awaits, as im listening to S&B's disturbed CD that he supposedly transported from focker..  So sushi nuts is learning to climb today..  Setup at the top was painfull and long, but safe although I did have dreams of frayed webbing last night..  We ropped up mind bender 5.10, a 5.6, millions of dead dogs (5.10) and satruday night special or fever or whatever its a 5.9- crack climb..  Puke first ask questions later - I do mind bender 99% due to rope off route excuse, never felt so sleezy...  Sushi nuts up next, gets 1/2 way up the 5.6 and fropps but with some style..  Focker up the 6..  I climb dead dogs, couple flops..  Next SN on SNS I tell him its an easy 8, makes it half way up and gets stuck in the crack..  Focker up after long talks with his date..  Has to rest like 3 times up the 5.9-...  Too funny, so I clean the 9- barely..  Sushi Nuts back to 5.6 and gets it.. He is hooked....  Pete and sandy show up and have obviosly been climbing all summer - leading mind bender, climbing 11's....  Fockers!!!

Good game

Rating of the week - This is not a joke - I am tranporting this whole thing..  So im watching ESPN the other night (yes im sports buff - not), and they have fishing on..  Im almost certain MOAS is watching upstairs..  So they are fishing off a 24' or so boat near an oil rig in the gulf of mexico..  OH - who is they - one freakin guy and 3 thong biking wearing models with I SHeeeeeeiiiiiit you not strap on fishing poles..  So each girl gets a turn with strap on fish retrieval ride (girls were all smiles bouncing up and down on the captains chair!) and after they get the fish in (that they don't even TOUCH!), they are interviewed off site on some beach about there experience...  It was too funny..  The camera man is like focused on her ass or breasts in every shot as he talks about the technique these chicks are using to catch the fish.. Meanwhile construction workers are like falling off there 200 foot high oil rig, to there death, just to get a glimpse of females skin that they havent seen for 6 months.. Ok I finished watching this pretty quickly so I don't know how the story ends, what I do know is that QM's boat will have to be in the bikerag movie, and im thinking crash test groupies will be on board polishing the chrome.. 

So - the rating - 5 CTG's with vasoline covered lips (you know for the sun)..