Holy Trail recap
So I rode Grayville once last year with S&B and liked the stunts and rocks and single track.. Why the F didn't we go back?? At the end of our ride we meet this guy J, who we figure out indeed is a bikerag fan. So since then he has been sending me bizarre emails and I run into him, in the middle of the woods, while carrying rocks, at case.. Being the cold hearted bastard that I am, I volunteered him for tour guide on the largest bikerag ride in history.. He was up to to the task!!
Pre-Ride Crew - King A (J), Puke, QM, Hopping John, Rickshaw, TT was that it - who am I missing?? Anyway KA leads us out the elevated swoopy trail at an astronomical pace and we take the river trail, right away cut into the woods for an awesome rock ride!! Next up log ride, I biffed like 4 times 1/2 with "pole grabs" - TT, KA, HJ clean anyone else RS?? To big log pyramids, to uphill we find another log ride.. Think we all made it.. I reminded KA later that he dabbed on the log first try.. "oh you mean the log you dabbed on??" - bastard Anyway - Hike a bike through woods - Yes this is a VERY, puke like tour.. J reads too many recraps!! To ridge trail, to holy trail.. First drop, KA tells me not to go right, so I do and find myself riding like a bullit through the trees.. Should have listened to him know - (I believed him later and almost cleaned the left line). So J takes the left line and wrecks - he is human unlike other bastages we know.. HJ cleans it, white nuckle though - impressive.. To ramps - KA leads and cleans all, we are liking the wide ramps.. Back to parking areola a HUGE posse anxiously awaits us..
Crew - King Arthur ( J ), GI-J, NK (nameles kelly), Puke, S&B, Rookie, Rooket, SS, TT, HLM, Trouble, Lawn Boy, Hopping John, PIT, Rick Shaw, QM, QM's friend ?????, Hot Lips, Dead Beat Steve, Dave, and late comers TCG & SG showed up very sweaty, oh and SID (the dog not the shock).. Just 3 cats made the ride.. Did I miss anyone?? Mad Dog we figured was out at GRANVILLE , but really my people tell me he got stuck with a pile of sheeeit, im guessing horse sh!t.. Everyone asked about PMD, no I do not have her locked up in my closet (anymore), she is taking some time off to find herself, and nurse some wounds.. Barbie went off to England to kick it with the queen, and plus his rigid frame didn't sprout a shwingarm yet... Shwiiiing - there it is... Ankle Biter decided to stay home practice mixing zombies for his test, plus he has been working on a brainfart of mine.. How we can make billions, make that trillions, by hosting the Guinness book mountain bike see saw record.. I ordered the wood at home depot today and it will be delivered to soapstone soon!! Sure they wont mind... 50 riders?? No joke!!
So to the ride, down the road, into the woods on cool elevated RR bed type trail with some cool swoops.. To awesome bridge, I hear a P-twang and possible splash behind me, but ride on.. Lefts and rights King Arthur leads on, im clapping coconuts from behind as instructed.. What a train!! Somehow we only lost one rider - trouble is MIA!! Who was in front of trouble???!!! OFF THE LIST!!!! Remember "you are responsible for the person behind you".. I thought about a search party but was afraid we would find him deep in a solo cheeto snakerbation party.. So onward we find ourselves on nice single track, to fire road, to right on secret new trail.. Awesome focking trail, I was so excited that lobster juice was dripping down my leg. Tons of rocks, SS behind me gets "stuck" a couple times in my semi retarded line that only multi jointed bikes can clean... The 4footer that is really a 4footer GI-J rides with style, lands between trees - QM reaches deep in his pockets and finds 2 pee sized testis so he doesn't even ride up to the end and contemplate.. At one point my ass fell in the crack, along with 20 other riders, around corner we are mid ride in disposable bike mahem... Gi-J still talking about me bringing strippers down from the gold club to up the guy to slut ratio.. No problem, ill just install a brass pole in the X-terra and the short ones will come running.. Anyway... We got flats, broken chains (rookie), and NK wrecks a rim, yup Rim Wrecker.. So we wait at the downed tree clearing, NK comes around looking for GI-J to give her a rim job.. One of these days she will get a worthy name.. So we wait, conversation went downhill a while ago, Not sure who's worse SS or GI or HL or PIT??
Onward again rookie finally shows up, probably using granny 9 full throttle.. Down hill - cool single track with some small drops.. Finally dumping us out on the pre-ride route.. KA has to bail and rush to the delivery room.. Up hill to tree ride.. bunch of takers - HLM cleans it, TT again, HJ hops off the end.. TT and I decide to split up the group, its amazing TT went straight on the trail, I hike a biked through the woods, and everyone followed ME?? You people are WHACKED.. Up to blue, SS riding me from behind again gets stuck...he'll never learn... To holy trail.. First drop I do again left but take the KA line, almost 100% clean but miss the rock over the log.. No other takers, QM did ride up and contemplate.. GI-J launches, I try to film but trip over a log that must have fallen out of my shorts.. Rookie Launches, pulls an inverted wheelie, and again I trip.. To ramp one - missing rung, pretty tough.. Lots of frustrated, bike twisted falls.... Rookie.... To slab roller or 6 footer.. SS tells GI its a 4 footer, under exaggerating, just like he tells his women when he is stuffed to the hilt with cotton.. So lawn boy rolls the slab like a john deer going over a sand trap.. QM - Talking about how his skills have increased exponentially since the new bike - yes folks - I saw it first hand - just Sunday he rolled up to and contemplated his first 3 footer, and tonight he walked up to and contemplated a 6 footer.. Rookie rolls the 6, Finally after everyone is finished cluster focking the landing ramp, GI-J AIRS the 6 foot diving board lands perfectly.. His secret - a mix of Gonadvil and crystal meth.. To up ramp, to climb to big ramp #2.. Hopping john makes an abortion out of the off camber bind faith, tumbling through the woods, his new nemesis.. SS falls on the up ramp.. I rode it once again with bike rattling style thats puts most followers in a trance like state of confusion... Rookie is not comfortable up on the 4 foot wide ramp so unclips and walks it almost falling over the 8 foot rock to his death.. HLM so fired up to ride #2 goes OTB pre-ramp and catches it on the chin - I gave him a paper towel for the LJ... Ramp wasn't wide enough for GI-J so he walked it with his head down..WAAAH!!! So meanwhile the girls are off streaking through the woods in hopes of meeting some normal men, they came up "empty handed" so met up with us freaks at the bottom of the holy trail.. S&B rides his very first ramp once again (sing it - memories......) Back home, S&B gets it in the eye, thinks he's going blind.. His eye is pretty much there and not too messy so he follows the noise of hogi-yogi home.. Must have been some serious crust there this morning ?? EH skip??
POST ride - King Arthur left a 12 pack of Sam's in my car for the crew - unbelievable.. Since half our group doesn't drink, it was plenty!! So TCG and SG show up 5 minutes later steaming with sweat.. Excuse # - SG forgot her helmet and gloves.. So anyway they showed up late and were following our hooting and hollering asses since the new slickrock trail, but couldn't catch up to our blurring pace.. They even inspected the 6 footer and determined that one of our sorry asses hucked it!! So beers were flying, bike swapping, NK (or RW!? or Super Skirt another SS oh no!!), wants to see if I can pull a rim out of the x-terra as I just whipped out 2 cranks a ring and some nuts for HJ.. So I organize a dinner crew and peel off in my vehicle as im slowly trying to avoid all the groups of gabbing bikers I come centimeters from running over SID.. I think QM (dog lover) dived under my approaching bumper to save him.. Actually after I put it in reverse, and backed off SID's tail, everything seemed fine.. So I was hopping that everyone would show up with there pets so I could finish them off in the Grayville parking lot, which was decided is big enough for drunken parking lot coalition laps next time, skipping the awesome single track..
POST POST ride - TCG gives me gps coordinates of the closest joint that has absolute and food (haligans, hooligans, chalices, it started with an H and was Italian, Ill leave it at that).. So 6 of us +1 (It was PUke, rookie, rooket (WM web mistress??), QM, Trouble (with orange dick "in hand"), TT and later frank). met there, rookie trying to order some kind of belvedere martini, I can see the bar consists of ONE bottle of absolute.., so order a grey goose and soda just to one up rookie... Beers food bad contestation.. Rookie wants better knee pads for his many heterosexually challenged stints in the woods with ball whacking QM.. Rooket is laughing as rookie OPENLY decides that my idea of some sort of "garter belt" to hold up his knee pads, is a good one and will be riding with a combination of lycra, lizard skins and Victoria sectretions (most bizarre bike fix #69).. Congratulations rookie, you finally made it to the big league, leaving your old lame name in the dust, I think from now on you can be GB - Garter Belt.. Yes, some day you should ride with G-string.. More talk about trips out west, lemon, life star at wells woods, beaver dams, wave boarding, nose diving.... bla bla bla.. Happened to SS, he was supposed to show for POST POST, whacking his balls once again in the AM..
QOTN - SS - "its the first 8 inches that get you" - maybe get you but not me!!
GI-J "Im not letting you measure anymore SS" - see above quote?? DOH!!
Puke "would someone remind me not to move my head around so much"
PIT " I'm stiffening up a bit" - I'll bet, actually this morning, I was pretty stiff too!! Double DOH!!
SS - "stuff that crack" a classic sock stuffer remark
QM - " How do you just ride all this stuff sight unseen PM?" - one word - GonadVil
Rick shaw - "yeah I have a map, its in the car"
New Nicknames -
J from grayville = King Arthur, KA, who kicks ass too, or KAB krash and bitch, im working on it!!
S&B = Skip (thanks SSk)
Nameless Kelly = SSk (superskirt - skirt riding the superlight)
Rookie = GB garter Belt or nose dive hey im nose dive - hate it when I argue with myself
Rooket = WM web mistress
Rating - Not another f0cked up dream - It goes like this - I wake up at 4am and feel like I was run over by a truck, I have this headache that starts at my neck and ends up at my feet.. So, desperate for relief I stumble up spiral stairs that seem to go on for eternity, quads throbbing and walk barefoot out to my car in search of some Vitamin I.. Of course all I can find is the focking gonadvil bottle that SS left in the back of my Xterra that is piled with sweaty bike shorts and various parts like Sanford and son's driveway.. So god only knows what was in the bottle, I took some reds and some blues, got an ice pack, laid on the couch and watched various advertisements for exercise equipment.. Yes this must be the time all those Fatties wake up and snack on leftover Kentucky fried chicken and decide they will buy a Gazelle to loose weight.. Anyway Finally I settle on a girls gone wild commercial and eventually go back into a coma like sleep.. Yes we are not even to the dream yet.. The dream - so suddenly, im in some building wearing only a 2 liter Pepsi bottle in front of me and im running down huge wide oak stairs with my ?bride? to be.. Im pretty sure it was her idea that she would wear something daring like climbing pants and a T-shirt, I would go stark naked, so we compromised on a Pepsi bottle full of grey goose martinis (I was hoping for the fish bowl enlargement effect).. So we are in the back of the church (yes I know I shouldn't see the bride but this isn't a traditional wedding as you may have guessed).. and peering out into the crowd I see all these relatives I know (SH!T this is real!!), and all the women are wearing puke green - phew.. So here I am thinking - I need food - I couldn't possibly be carrying a Luna bar anywhere, then im like, I wonder if this is a catholic wedding where I get a snack and some cheap whine.. So suddenly I look down and pants appear, everything turns semi formal and the show must go on..... To Be continued.....
OH - the rating, Translation - 5 hard nippled girls gone wild ministers with freshly Iced wet T-shirts, swinging around on the new brass poles I have mounted at every stunt area for encouragement.. Next ride, bring your dollar bills. Yup ride the ramp to your next bride to be..
Nice ride - good game - All I know is I came home with $540 and a sore ass.. PM
Special Thanks to J from Grayville - King Arthur for now - He should charge for his tour guide cervixes, especially the 7 minute contraction specials like last night.. Hope to see you in the woods soon!! The whole group was Very impressed - not an easy accomplishment!!