Meshomasic - Its a weekend ride - Whipping out my black book, I call everyone on the list, except for people who are not on the list because of my great memory for phone numbers, but of course neglect to call them entirely..  I heard crash test was stuck behind some couch with bud cans piled on top of him..  Ankle biter wasn't far behind - his mom wouldn't let him come out and play..  And finally PIT, we talked but he put me on conference call, so I got nervous that he wanted to talk business (baby business) and hung up on him..  So the team - ME, PMD, SS, TT, HL, GLIDER (that's mark h.), Pregnant Dave and LUTC because it was after all a sunny day (but not too sunny)..

So as per usual with me - strangeness is in the air, as PMD and I zip along del reeves road in the X-terra we see an army of soldiers hiking in full anti mountain biker gear, 50 lb packs with machine guns, so we know this should be an interesting ride..  No I DIDN't take too much Gonadvil pre-ride this is real..  So at the yellow gate we arrive and I have to get changed in front of even more soldiers guarding the Nike site I presume..  Couple unnecessary but enlightening full cavity searches and we are on our way.

Up to new old white, LUTC follows me up every line until finally I stump him (literaly)..  Lots of fun stuff, pmd makes the nemesis rock garden section, but is so surprised she falls off her bike when the news hits her..  Straight through intercourse make that intersection up dead log trail, new log pyramid - sleazy but fun..  PMD stays at the rock garden until she makes it - right on fire rd, another right, my focking gears are messed - PMD passes - DAM!!  Some fun low key low impact rocks to play on..  Up hill to French fry rock - First try I stop and contemplate because of my last crash "why am I doing this?", another lap the crowd frenzies so I have to at least crash for them - LUTC wants to whip it out but im to quick and launch it with SURPRISING style..  SS sees the sleaziness and with a little helper ramp is feeling the French fry love, but falls too deep and lands like a piece of 5 day old road kill on rte 84 (yes what im trying to say is - SQUIRRELLY), So we are all watching in sloooooooow   Mooooootion as his mouth is gasping for air, hands reaching for help, from us and then the two trees that he is about to hit, grabs one tree like a monkey (not like  monkey you spank, just like a monkey), so he swings from one tree and catches the next one and lands in disappointment, disheveled in the bushes.  I think I heard him utter quietly "cool" (like bevis) before he stumbled up off the ground..  Onward SS a bit timid decides to pass on the next drop (He now is listening to those voices "never follow PM!"  "never")..  Downhill - regroup, more down cool rock section SS follows me once again, PMD TOO!!  Cross stream, up fire road to nemesis rock garden..  So many tries - everyone but Pregnant Dave (Excuse #40 I flipped granny over last night but she still doesn't feel good), and Hot Lips..  I tried every line like a coke head in Less Than Zero.. Glider makes good distance on his first shot but the prevailing winds died for further attempts..  TT flats and fixes his flat right in the middle of the hill, upping the technical factor, but providing us with much needed entertainment..  You see he has a tube, but he put a hole in it with his "tool"..  God only knows what he did with his pump, but it stopped working and im guessing he must have been watching too many Austin Powers Movies..  So he borrows sock stuffers pump but cant seem to "get it on" - So SS shows him the trick of sticking it on the stem right.. I mock SS as I whip it out and pump away (like an air guitar, but completely different)..    Onward, still uphill, Hot Lips and PMD ahead, Looking for the major right that's just a go-a-round..Listen to me know...Again... Right turn, some fun 6" drops, another right to new rock gap that apparently ate LUTC's spoke..  We wait for a while, ride some big logs, making us look more gay (well most of us), Down to fire road.. 

You wouldn't think so, but here is where it got interesting..  So SS is pulling a wheelie (a sad one), So I have to up the ante and ride one longer, so he's like oh yeah, and im like YEAH, and so he YANKS up on the handlebars as hard as his sock stuffing ass can handle and I think he actually not only landed on his back but did a complete flip before he did!!  We all felt the pain when he hit the ground..  And you people probably laugh at my definition of "wheelie drop" in the recap translator..  So he is alive but I suggest they send the road crew for some re-grading..  Down hill im going really slower than usual, trying to tell PMD to get ready for the rock - she's like what rock were on a fire road..  So I brake and take a right only to see a sock stuffer skidding toward me at mach SOCK - he missed but it was funny to see his 50 foot long skid mark, matching the skid mark that he left in his bike shorts at French fry rock..  THis was supposed to be a short recap and is getting out of control, just like your father...  Speaking of "your father" I have this really funny MP3 of darth vader getting a blow job - where should I put it??  Anyway  Onward..

So I biff the really big log, PMD the only cleaner??  Yup riding the big one once again..  I hit a couple ramp rocks getting that 13" of air im accustomed too, Hot lips hears me clicking thinks I have turrets syndrome..  Well if you read the side effects of the gonadvil bottle, you would already know this...  TOO FOCKING FUNNY..  To rotten bridge, left turn, right on road, left on trail that heads toward new trail..  Not sure what happened but at some point PMD stuffs it..  Stunt trail, mini slug - TT contemplates, I contemplate the launch, HL rides it by the seat of her pants..  Steep roller, HL, PD, SS, Glider, anyone else??  oh me but that's not news...  To big drops - No takers, no GI-J in sight, no beastmaster..  Cross road, up single track, carbo loading at the top, I give TT some granola only because I expect surf and turf from him tomorrow..  Area 51, down rock garden, to hell, down yellow - SS bails to go home and wash those shorts with cheer, the rest fly down this awesome trail in style.. PMD rides the gnarly section but then is confused why her hips hurt..  Those 45 laps on nemesis rock garden #2 perhaps?? Back to the car, the short busses are now doing laps on del reeves looking for ???  Me?? 

Nice ride

Rating - I was watching TV a while ago, clicking around and I found myself watching wrestling.. Before you hold that against me make that female wrestling..  So im like why do people watch this crap and suddenly these 2 bimbos enter the ring wearing bikini tops and G-strings.. One pink and one green because its so impotant that you can tell them apart..  So these girls are needless to say in pretty good shape and start throwing each other around the ring..  What amazed me was there ability to end up in the 69 position with there faces right next to semi exposed camel toe extreme crotches every move..  We are talking Suplex 69, off the top ropes 69, hit her over the head with a chair then 69, figure 4 leg lock (close up crotch shot) then 69..  Of course im like my god this is appalling, just get those bikinis off and turn it into a porn film..  Before you know it 2 other "wrestlers" COME into the ring and they are bouncing off the ropes and ending up in a big orgy style pile (138??), with the referee being a trooper and sticking his nose to the ground, ready for the count and close-up crotch shot so he can slap his hand on the  floor 1,2.....  It never goes to 3 the first time, there hasn't even been any silicone smacking yet!!  TO answer your question, I have no focking Idea where this was going, but don't you feel enlightened??

Oh - I lost track - the rating - Translation - 4 crotch less bee keeper suits - GO FIGURE!!!

This recap was written by Ankle Biters mom - thanks - PM