Warning - this recap is longer than if we took everyone who made the ride, ripped out there large and small intestines, tied them together and used the cord as a climbing rope hooked up to the back of the X-terra parked next to a big hole in the ground..  But if that were the case, I guess you wouldn't be reading this now would you.. Read on..

Quesadilla man, Brick, TT, Rickshaw (fritz), Sock stuffer, Focker, Shake & Bake, Trouble, PIT,  HLM, nurse betty, Roadie Dave or Rigid Dave (you be the judge - gulp), Stretch? (J budha), Dead Beat Steve on his new Ellsworth, Lawn boy (sorry we cant use budha anymore since we have a budha), GI-Jane, and last and least a drained puke (mainly emotionally, partially physically) - Oh and hot lips who just showed up for the post ride activities - actually she rode, just not with us, because she is an Audi driving snob now and has plenty of room in her back seat..  Easy, I may dig the holes, but you are the one jumping in..  SS - shows me the money, and Rickshaw hooks me up with some cool sound effects, if you listen really carefully, you can hear them already..

    End of recap - the introduction just about crashed my computer upon spell check..  Oh im drunk so I may as well continue..  So after we were comfortable riding in circles around the new  parking lot, it was time to head out - GI - Jane leads us on a trail that goes up for days.. Pukecycle and hogi yogi not far behind..  The rest of the group there in seconds (OK a couple hundred, but still impressive)  To blue, I "huck" the 1.5 footer and GI-J ups the anti with a bushwhack secret line 4 footer BABY head landing - SS would have dropped it, but the babies scared him away - basically a lactation paradox nightmare..  Onward Air Jane showing everyone how to ride a 40 lb bike like its weightless - Focker crashes in one of the nastiest rock gardens most likely when he was "adjusting" himself with both hands - now that's not pukecycles fault focker.. 10&2 not 1&2..  Right on Blue something shoot-off QM contemplates OTB line GI-J the only taker - I couldn't even get it up the first rock, TT gets it up but is afraid to go down..  Onward, I try to keep up, but see nothing but a blue camouflage spec in the distance 10 seconds later (in my defense "I took the hard line"), but we know that's not true..  Route contemplation after urination and some justification, we take a right at Jersey and head for the fort.. 

After the stream crossing, right on fort - wait forever for brick and Hopping John..  Most ride on while GI-J, SS and myself wait and talk about the mystery of the case mountain stunts..  While waiting we are all schooled by some unicyclists - very impressive..  Next up some friends of GI-J stop by to entertain us..  2 dogs a guy and a girl..  So the girl (holly?) - is showing off this new hydration pack she must have won in a stupid 24 hour race..  I didn't catch the name but I assume it was a CamelCock, the inverse of a platapussie of course..  She demonstrated how she could put the red tip into her mouth, bite the tip,  suck and eventually it shot some thirst quenching liquid into her mouth.. "you cant bite the tip if you cram it all the way in"   "If it wasn't for that red tip with all the ridges on it.... wouldn't look so bad...."  SS came in at the end of that conversation and spit up his water (SS don't worry this is not foreshadowing to anyone's water breaking!).. This is why I should always have the helmet cam... GI-J now realizes that I really don't make this sh!t up - recaps ARE 98-100% true..  Finally we are about to give up on brick so I am the search party while Jane squats in the woods..  50 feet and they appear like magic, you can hear the clanking coconuts in the distance as they crest the hill and the fog lingers..  Onward up past fort and here comes Nurse betty to tell us the crew has moved on.. 

Right on Metavomit trail - Slug rock stunt - many takers - NB contemplates, rubs the rock but it doesn't feel like leather and no genies appear..  Rickshaw (I think), had couple good attempts but notices him sliding backwards at one point..  QM, failed on the slow approach, and brick must have tried some new physically impossible chain combination like granny 13 as his derailleur  went east coast west coast and he was out of the game once again..  At some point I ran into Jay from Grayville said hi but I was in a daze, and he was busy getting run over by a freight train led by bike Nazi GI-J..  Brick is such a good mechanic that instead of setting up his bike for single speed, he shortened the chain and it actually gets 3 speeds, snap, crackle and pop..  Hi-tech adventure race practice..

Chair stunt - I see the other group in the distance..  Felt like I was the cruise director of a sinking ship..  Where's Isaac when you need him - oh well - we should hit the bars on the way home - water bars that is..  To plus sized ramp the whole group was united once again..  To see saw - most rode, GI-J watched, but was falling asleep so he decided to huck a 4 footer and almost land on me - waking me up..  To Gilligan's bridge, lots of takers - pretty sleazy, looked like it had some puke on it though..  Left on spurt trail - I show GI-J a ridiculous rock but he's not buying it..  To fishbone - tandem ride - with impressive stalling next to the grave..  I wonder who built fishbone?  Was it the albino in the orange dress and funny hat??  To Blind stupidity - I cut-off SS (as per usual) clean it, budha follows suit, lots of crash's on the up ramp..  GI-Jane goes both ways and cleans the BIG up ramp by wheeling the gap far left, hairypin right (yes I mean hairy), up crazy V-ramp, and down blind stupidity rock on ONE wheel..   QM almost lost his lunch as he thought GI was going down - way down..  I decide not to go both ways (excuse#- I didn't take my GonAdvil today), The group rides on - left on red, Lawn Boy crashes and catches a mower blade to his right leg - I may have been seeing things, but I think Guinness leaked out of the wound!  right on chimney white..  Going up the white I see SOMEONE hopping on their rear, and Launching a 2 footer with style..  Hey its Budha - therefore a new nickname HJ Hopping John - Yes the rice and the rider - most catholic priests will tell you both are tasty..  I could delete that last sentence but instead my disciples decided you should suffer through it too..  S&B wheelies the 2-footer with style - more style than me, but hey look at my socks!!

Lookout sunset as planned - Brick and Trouble take the romantic carriage path home..  Brick skipping along, one foot on the bike, the other tip-toeing through the daisy's..  The rest Take ledges home, but miss the actual ledge trail and stay left on re-routed-blue..  Still fun - fast - some good launches..  GI-warns of water bars, I blindly follow and pummel into 4" travel fork into what looks like a 1983 manitou..  Back to the lot - new trails at case - its amazing - they just... Appear..  No stunts on the parking lot access trail - YET..  People you have your orders.. Stay clear of the guy in the orange MooMoo with the nail gun..  So off to the hungry tiger for many - Hot Lips shows up just as we are leaving with her new flesh colored Audi, bike on top..  "a little late for the ride??"..  HLM and Nurse betty promise to show up at HT, but must have gotten "tied up" with / by pavement dave (or S&M dave)..  Yes all roadies are siko's its a fact..

Hungry Tiger - Table for lets see 9..  Conversation went downhill so many times and so fast I had to get behind the seat.. Hot lips shows up right on time - again late for the bar - wants to give dead beat Steve a massage -but he has a groin pull and the conversation goes downhill - Hot lips hungry so I offer her a gu..  Quickly asks how PMD is doing..  Sock stuffer enlightens me on some early morning cross training routines..  I wont bore you with the details, lets just say he likes to whack his balls at 6am..  Quesadilla man is right there behind him..  I ask TT for movie ideas - he immediately brings up the topless babes - We assume he is offering his wife..  Talks of the movie commercials - we want to tell SS about the scene we need him to act out but he isn't properly carbo loaded - A hint - it involves stuffing, and im not talking about a turkey..   Speaking of turkeys... Strange...  Anyway - talks of the fall mountain biking trip already..  I mention HLM & nurse bettys trip to Bryce so we wait for them to show up at the bar, before we commit..  Since they didn't show up its assumed that bryce is just a software program and we should just go to BC in late august, build some stunts with the locals..

Questionable Rating - Just one hamburger for dead beat steve - read on!!  Get a fresh cup for this one!!

????Why are there 11 flies on my dick? - that image should hold you for at least FOUR seconds.. 

???Give me 3 reasons you shouldn't shave your pubic hair with an AXE.

???Why do you have calices the size of sand dollar pancakes on your hands?

Translation - you order the prime rib, but after everyone else receives their meal, the TR waitress tells you they ran out, you biatch and complain, and order a burger..  The greasy, just got out of jail chef that is only wearing an apron and combat boots over-hears your complaining and makes you a hamburger that will be more like MEATloaf when he is done with it..  He carefully slices off the large calices on his hand (from spanking his monkey so much), pushes them into the meat, then picks the 11 flies off the floor that were killed with a 10 year old pinkish bloody fly swatter pushes them into the meat, and finally needs to put some vegetation into the mix so brushes off his handy AXE, needs it into a large pancake with his hands that smell like ass and cooks it to order - Im thinking RARE..  "your burger sir - sorry about the "mix-up""..   God only knows what's in the tuna-melt..

Nice ride  - next time we will split into 2 teams A-team and B-team

A for all the Asswhipes - thats where I'll be.. 

B for breakdown - so if you plan to flat, break a frame or just be lame - join the B-team, lead by Dead Beat steve with Trouble as the caBOOSE..  Cracking myself up once again...