1 recap, 2 new riders, 3 epic crash scenes and you stayed home and rode the couch.

My people tell me that based on the exponential increase in ride participants, next wed's ride will be 234 large..  So lets see who showed up, first of all, who didn't show up..  Focker was busy with Loren's son...  Oh that sounds bad - videotaping Brian....  Making him look more....  CATHOLIC??? once again..  Barbie will not ride until a nice full suspension 23 lb titanium piece of tubing is between his legs, can you blame him??  Big Steve is getting a new bike so he should be able to keep up to lawn boy for several laps of carbo-loaded cul-de-sac riding..  Mad dog cranked like 250 road miles this weekend but probably whacked his knee getting up from his desk.  Rookie is either busy with the insinlaws (another new word for y'all), or looking for those magical tires that stretch nuts was using that stick to logs like spiderman.

    Enough pre crap crap - on to the riders..  Trouble, Crash Test, Boomhower, Puke, Tubless Todd, Sock Stuffer, Brick, Shake & Bake, Fritz (debut!) - Head out for the pre-ride..  This typing hurts, I think I broke my focking finger..  Helmet cam on - Straight to stunt area 1, one stunt 1/2 left..  Missing entry ramp - CT cleans it, I get it after some bush triming and a couple tries, SS - gets it with a pole grab, brick is on the rag but cleans it anyway..  Onward we ride every other trail backwards - up blue, brick chases a poor innocent little toad, to nice rock gardens, left on sweet fern infested single track - cool stuff, 2 loops, back to top of blue..  Crash Test contemplates the steep rock ride to 2.5 foot drop, commits, launches lands crashes hard, leaving his twisted bike and body, upside down, in shambles, we help him clip out, only to see a bloody lip and dirt covered face, with weeds stuck in his helmet..  "don't do anything stupid before 24 hours of adrenaline!"..  No other takers, cruise back home with NO wrong turns, a 2nd string team awaits at the green gate..  I love it when a plan comes together.

2nd string - PMD, Hot Lips, LUTC, HLM, Nurse Betty, John (debut - looks like a roadie, but cleans 5 foot drops like there speed bumps - nickname to come soon - people get working) Did I miss anyone??  Well if I did - just ride faster next time..  Off like a prom dress up stone road - right at gate up fire road, up hill to stunt area 2, right on new "trail" that had these incredible smelling flowers, wish focker was here to tell us what brand they are... anyway smell those lilacs - PMD choking on flower dust - to see saw..  Just about everyone rode the seesaw - John launched it, new down ramp right was a last minute turn for many..  S&B and trouble will not ride any ramp without a bridge inspection sticker tacked on it.  Onward to downhill, to devils kitchen - why do I feel at home, and hungry..  Anyway we take a right but quickly hear "trouble " of some sort behind..  Trouble indeed - He was trying to pull off one of those one handed inverted wheelies for beer swilling practice..  Anyway he over-compensated for the lack of 12 oz's in his left hand and went east coast west coast over the bars and one of his kidneys got scared and jumped ship..  We spend like 10 minutos looking for it..  When I saw him - sitting on a rock - in deep thought, elbow on knee, face on hand, bike behind him, scattered on the rocks, I knew he has OK.. 

Back to sweet downhill rock garden that devils kitchen has to offer..  TT makes it without breaking any fingers, I have brakes this time, but don't use them to keep up with CT..  Trouble bails - we hope he is not deleriouse and finds his way home..  Up blue, stop for 4 foot drop, CT and John clean..  Premature left? on ?red - stunt area 3 (ps - I think there are like 6 stunt areas)..  First ramp down John Cleans with drop, CT rides the ramp..  Next up really tall ramp - draw bridge is up..  I check out and decide its a mental stunt..  highest point is about 10 feet up...  So helmet cam on, I follow CT up and down it, suddenly on the way down, I loose all traction so let go of the brakes, behind the seat, the drop is approaching with no time for setup, let go and huck, bouncing into the woods with a hollywood style roll..  Actually after examining the video, I see that everything was fine but brick grabbed my arm and pulled me off the bike - He was jelouse..  Kidding of course - thanks for the helping hand brick!  Before I even pick myself off the ground john comes riding down it and launches with EASE..  Bastard..  Back to stone road, back up blue again!!  nice climb - PMD stops to point out a PORCUPINE on the trail..  We may have video and a picture..  Crew takes off without us nature lovers so Me, PMD, S&B, SS go home...  Oh - we ran out of tape TOO, and I heard T-storms, and im riding with electronics, and I did the pre-ride ride, and I rode yesterday, and I had sex last night (with the central VAC once again)..  HLM insert part 3 of ride here, plus any additional points of hair-ass-ment.

Rating - just 5 catholic priests wacking off with a pile of nassahegon fish guts in their lap, while eating those incredibly high glycemic wafer cookies, thats the rating and definition of the new term called snackerbation..

This recap was automatically generated from the helmet cam data tape, if you feel it is in error, please utilize the proper complaint channels, then you can fock off and die..

PM

PS - Helmet cam survived the crash, just one second of blue screen, no more stunts for me!!

PSS - Need to organize our 24 hour race team - lets set up a tele-carbo-conference to disgust..

PIVS - A record in Piss - message for focker from SS - "I have a tube for you" - sorry focker I forgot to get the tube from SS so I could give it to you.

Get back to work - millions on welfare are depending on YOU!!