Its been so long since I have written crap that I actually had to think for a minute, actually I was just thinking why do my hand smell like fish, but that's besides the point, onto the recap, and like my hands, this recap is going to be a dirty, rotten smelly fungus infested one..

So the summer school team of flunkies decide to meet for a ride at Connecticut's only riding spot, case mountain..  I stop at the new girl scout camp area lot to see if any kiddies want some candies, but cant seem to find any chicks with a sweet tooth these days..   The new lot is really nice with big rocks for drainage and a myriad of water bars that are sculpted out of solid marble.. The map tube is empty, what am I to do??? So I leave the wanna be lot and head over to the cul - de - SACK where all the brass balls riders hang out..  Hey what do you know - its QM and MM, and Im PM all decked out with the new blue xterra w/ matching blur and stylish new roadie helmet with big ass air vents so I can draft ankle biters bean spitting blow hole on the next heterosexually vacant pavement tour..  QM was off to buy a house for his illegitimate children, MM still smiling and telling stories about getting ridden hard in VERMont.. 

So the crew starts showing up - You got an LUTC yeah you know me - Throw in  a TTT, or a STT or really an SssssssssTT, yeah you know me, We got a nurse betty, yeah you know me, we got an HLM, ahhhh fock anyway, my gangster rap career is over..   SO Hot lips and PMD show up, the conversation is already so far into the depths of insanity, I cant even berieve it..   SO TTT is talking about how he's driving home from work in his truck (dukes of hazard style) and he sees a 6 foot black snake (no its not mine!) coiled up at his feet..  So he's driving along swerving all over the road and stabbing it with his left shoe witch goes flying out the window and lands on the side of the road..  Yes, the world can sleep now, we have solved the one shoe on the side of the road phenomenon..   Meanwhile back at the audi, NB is digging through the trunk and is startled by a very long sharp saw that stands to attention and tries to hack her hand off..   HLM asks if she would rather have the snake and she replies yes I would rather have TTT's snake or something like that..  These people are sick.... I cant fecking believe im lowering myself to their level, again....    So on that note, TTT takes his shirt of, throws his bludgeoned snake over his shoulder and heads to the trail...  Nurse bettys mouth is watering, but its not what you think, its a green sugar thing, breaking news soon..

First stop - PM special 2 footer short launch.. Where is MM for comic relief??  I beta test the blur and deem it 2 foot worthy..   HLM wants more beta testing first..  25 more feet and PMD's bike needs work, so since the PMD mechanic is me, I play with her knobs for a bit back and forth, THEN I adjust the derailleur, then twist some more knobs, PMD is happy, and her bike shifts, I eat a turkey sandwich an ride on..  So Onward uphill toward the metavomit trail where I run into an old windsurfing buddy brian who is looking for Moass.... - aren't we all...  Anyway - Slug rock went just fine, QM'ed the big nose up to 90 degree sissy kick, but then upped the ante' with an original 2 foot rotator cuff drop line..  Nobody stayed to watch, but it was really smooth like .. Like.. Like a 20 pound jar of liposuction fat, poured over some fresh roadie legs..  Now thats smooth, actually its pretty chunky, and I bet it tastes really bad, bet you get some contusion chunks stuck in your teeth..  We are on the metavomit may I remind you..  Chair stunt, man is this BB too low, what were those fockers smoking at santa cruz, I need to modify asap, I suppose a 6" travel fork will raise the bb a tad..

Onward, 2nd try a charm on chair stunt - no other takers (well HLM got in 2 or 3 QM's)- just to make me feel special, up the off camber rock go around HLM does some kind of awkward slip slug thud dab kiss the earth move..  Looked painfull..   SssssTT has trouble on the big up, because hes not riding a blur.. Did I mention there are 5 focking blurs on this epic banter bike fest??  Zoom Zoom, up over the other side, yada yada yada, I ride everything flawlessly, the crowd cheers, tries to follow suit but just QM's..  Is that what you want to hear??   HLM QM's the rocky ridge to slope thrice but is looking for a harder line to one up me, SssssTT makes it right up to the point of commitment and bails..  By the way, he told me privately that his wife and girlfriend both think he has problems with commitment so im like the 3rd person that's nagging him about it...  COMMIT dammit, your right on the edge being the next bikerag poster-boy..  I mean after your last film, spiderman where you got the girl and everything, your the man...  Tangents..  This recap is like 2 months of pent up rain delay frustration all bottled up into one demented page of nonsense..

Where were we?? Oh probably about 50 painfull ft into the metavomit...

So 1 footer to big up to stream, clean like a wet dream - To Tight tree it was a breeze.. Hey ankle biter do you write poetry and rode ride??  Your probably out antiquing right now... Oh I hear pain and voices behind me, its Nurse betty, down for the count, but she hit her first alert button and the girls are on the scene..  Just a flesh wound, but its funny she's bleeding green, what is she the incredible shulk??  PMD remembers the days of butt rubs after wipeouts...  Onward, PMD gets a new rock, and then later an old rock, although both of them are probably, hmmm hundreds of years old..  I ride Qm's line on the raft rock and find it to be quite sleezy..  Ding Dong the see-saw is dead, jeez whoever made this thing should really go and fix it!!!  Fock....  To narrow log ride ramp, many takers, SsssTT came close, but again lacking that commitment thing, he did scooter down it though..  HLM did it both ways, its safe to say he 69ed it, a new term, when you ride a stunt in both directions.. Do I really need to spell everything like your a third grader, well most of bikerags clients are under 13 so bear with me...   So I 69 ed it too, wile PMD Qm'ed it 17 times but finally made it.. OK 5..  Hot lips breaks her pedal, and for once I don't have a spare screw in my bag  for her.. 

To Arrowhead rock, blur huckfest, to tirebiter, HLM and I clean but fail to 69..Although I think focker tried to 69 it once.. Hey speaking of focker, where is focker..  Did he make it back from racing barbie to montreal??  He must be training for 24 hour race.. Transaltion - guiness loading in a barfalounger..   To stream, tough up, we all dab, LUTC dreams of flashing it, with his trench coat, spd work boots and handy Jeckly & Hinee..  To tight tree 2 foot roller, really tight with my wide ass bars, I was actually got stuck there for a minute, but with a couple lycra pelvic thrusts I broke throughthe himen, leaving a notch in the tree to prove my manliness..  Up Up Up, riding the bloody scalded monkey..  The other day PMD's blur was riding like a handicapped monkey, but today its status had been raised to a slightly caffeinated but confused monkey..  To new 2 footer "felt like 6""  Up down around - steel bridge..

At some point I have to mention the Incredible poop story.. Im sorry, its embarrassing, its disgusting, but it has to be told..   So Nurse betty is on some sugar free diet..   So we are all like WHAT??  WHY??  SO she or HLM told us the story... There is a new chocholate syrup that is green, but tastes just like regular chocholate syrup - its the INcredible hulk version, so basically chocholate with green dye #19 involved..   So they both have some sort of chocholate latte and squirt a little in..  But only 2 days later HLM goes to check on the green stuff and its gone..  Nurse Betty consumed the whole freaking 64 oz jar because she thought she would turn into the hulk, or she-hulk.. Shes a real comic fan, but the real comical part is that it actually turned her poo green..  So anyway, The event scarred her for life and she vowed never to consume sugar again.. Hence the brocirry florets hanging out of her camel back mesh..  HLM is impressed that I drink coffee, He thought I only drank water and vodka, and you know I dont drink very much water..  

Onward - Fern up - and up to pow lines..  PMD close behind trying to scare my scalded monkey..  Tinte - down - lots of air - I think every bolt on the bike is now loose..  PMD's bike is decending like a crippled monkey who has tirrets syndrome and ADD between muscle spasms, hey don't we know someone like that???  So she keeps making the sound her bike is making - " it keeps going DONG - DONG"  HEy that's a double dong, a new word for when your bike makes noise, call webster - somebody please ..  Do all blurs cum with a double dong??   How can I get a double dong on my blur??  Im sure you asking yourself these very questions..   So I swap with PMD and try to get the double dong action but to no avail, I ride it hard and its quite as a mouse..  Back to the car, PMD gets double donged again..   

Good Game - Nice ride - Case there is no other place..

Rating - Hmmmm - Think ill go with one of those McDonalds St-paddy's day milk shakes, the ingredients, 3 measuring cups full of steamy green poo, 24 ozs of incredible hulk syrup, 683 grams of organic, chunky liposuction fat, 1 cup of Lawn Boy Roasted coffee, blended with a crank brothers egg beater and topped with scalded monkey jizz and vegan jimmys (thats rabbit pellits)..

PM