So I emailed the list with no reply - I guess you people dont work on saturday afternoon..  Anyway couple phone calls and we have a compact team of adventure cyclists..  The directions were SIMPLE - meet at ROUTE 2, exit 12 commuter lot..  So CT is the first to show up although he planned on being so late that he was already wearing his knee pads..  AB flying down the exit ramp next in with his little mini and is glad CT is wearing knee pads since they will be commuting together and AB drives like he rides with reckless abandon for others..  Hmmmm...  Who else??  Edamame!!! Nuts, Ill call him..   Fumbing with PMD's cell I finally get through - ring ring - I hear a staticy echoing  hlllo..  hello..   "splatt where the fock are you"  "im on route 9" "route 9" "route 9" - were on route 2..  He wants to be just like PMD..  Maybe just for PMD and Miso-Head they should put a sign on route 9 and 2 that says "are you sure you want to be on this highway and not route (9 or 2)..  So we decide to wait and meet him at lucky exit 13 where AB gets pumped by a lesbian, while PMD takes pictures.  Still waiting, PMD uses her time wisely and writes a bathroom cleanliness review (4 buckets!!), while AB gets donuts so he can play ring toss with himself..  Tries to offer me a donut and when I refuse his hopes and dreams are shattered.. What a blank stare!  I can see the wheels turning in his head or is that memories of spin cycle fading in and out..  In and out..  Anyway..   I explain that im a little too thick for donut ring toss and unless he has whole angel food cake he is out of luck..  Surf Clam  shows up and is ready and willing for AB's freshly glazed donut, swallows it hole..

So after a quick DUI stop that was 50 feet from the gas station (must be lots of drunks in this town), we commute to pachaug..  AB was over the limit (.19), but the kind ociffer noticed that crash test was sober, wearing a helmet and holding the wheel while a drunken AB continued to play ring toss amusing the hell out of himself..  Giggling because he just passed the bar exam and will have these cops in his back pocket soon..

Ok - we are here - Instead of making this an all day chocholate glazed love affair - we ride...  50 feet into the trail AB is already biatching about the smooth pee gravel flying off my tire and into his face..  Before you know it we are on pristine buff single track (with a couple billion rocks) and loving it..  CT launches a big log with branch littered landing, cleans it - AB up next - almost gets it but the donut bag on the back of the bike caused the wheel to drop 2 feet and blow out the rebound on his BIC shock..  Is this a sign of things to come??  Bizzare bike fix #??  WHy do I always say that - they arent even numbered - so anyway - AB and I cram rubber tube in and around the coil spring to limit the reboundless travel..  PMD there with her dental floss to tie the ends like a cheap vasectomy (not that i would know)..  So now AB has 2" in the rear and 5 up front.. 

So we continue..  Massive rock gardens, some slickish rock..  To boney downhill To fire road..  Hmm isnt that a trail ??  We usually take the fire road..  So we take the trail that bypasses the sensless fire road climb and it rocks!!  LIttle muddy little bushwacky - perfect!!  To PMD's favorite boney uphill from hell, she likes loose rocks, just like the ones in my head..  CT and I up front methodically spitting rocks at eachother..  He cleaned the whole first section - amazing!!!  Enduro dude looking at US like we are focking strange for riding it gets off his bike and walks down as we ride up..  PMD has to clean some horse out of her tire before riding - and you wonder why your rear is slipping??  I think its the butted spokes with alloy nipples..

So onward - Cross some roads, some sandy double sucks the life out of all of use..  Left on new trail, right on new trail that turns to dirt road, to pavement..  So we are riding in the neighborhood that CT thinks is maine beause he is still on some acid trip froma phish show 7 years ago..  flatrock road!! YES..  Back on track I assure that this website knows of a trail that is 50 feet away - indeed it was, and it only went for 50 feet too..  Lots of laughs out of the whole crew..  Fockers..  Down the fire road that is mainly slickrock, diversion for Crash burn hill..  CT finds a steeper line that he could possibly kill himself on since I have the camera...  Enters from the side and turns down the approx. 75 degree angle rock that goes down for about 20 feet - clean as beaver!!!  AB is in awe..  Onward, PMD ducks behind a boulder looking for small insects to eat (as she p's)..  Lots of motorcycle traffic in the disstance..  Right on new trail but the group is split up.. Dead end we see PMD fly by, I yell and scream for her to stop but the echoing sound of enduros is deadening to the ears..

So AB is broken down again as he bent his hangar on this FIRE ROAD..  Intense just made 29.95!!..  I ride ahead at paint blistering speed to get PMD before she is lost..  Find her at the enduro race festival of carbon monoxide...  Back to AB - record time fix!!!  OK onward, we plan on riding the enduro track and causing some havoc, but to no abail, I find another new trail that I was looking for - its yellow - piss yellow and all mine..  Little wacky but AWESOME trail - killer rock gardens - CT almost crashes into ab on a big log..  PMD sweeping because she wants to clean the whole thing (and does)..  To blue, To log bridge, I clean 1/2 and get my skinny ass stuck in the crack..  CT cleans after couple tries..  TO stream trail, crazy tech rock garden. TO picninc table lunch where I sell these 2 heterosexually challenged hikers a map so they can find mount misery where they will mount eachother and regret it later..

To piney singletrack - Edamame is up front with crash and loving it..  AB excited every time I get 6" of air!  TO mount misery - Miso Head is the star of the show out front - cleans the majority of the climb..  PMD and I get pieces, CT gets the beginning but finds the 40 pounder a bear to climb with..  View - Ohhhhhh - Ahhhhh lets move on before pmd gets cold, I wanted to stop for a turkey sandwich but forgot to bring it...  Gnarly awesome rocky down but short..  Back to blue, PMD rides a new steep line, CT and I opt for door #3, back to car on pee gravel trail..

Packing up I hear some cars honk and assume its because PMD is bent over on the side of the road..  Instead I figure out its because Edamame is walking around with his fly down and we know how the local hikers love that..

Very nice ride, Very good Game, Thanks for attending, and for those of you slackers that would have slowed us down, thanks for not attending..

Rating generator - ........Working........Working........Working........

Rating - First there was the movie - Trading Places with Eddie Murphy where he became a rich business man and dan ackroid became a theiving bum..  Then theres trading spaces where you renovate someone elses living space for $1000 and make it less desireable..  So there is a new game in town called trading faces and basically you have to give up your girlfriend or wife to the other contestant and vice versa..  This isnt going where you think - you are not allowed to have any kind of kinky sex with this woman..  What you can do is modify her body (via surgery or whatever) in any way you like and return her with a new look..  A completely new look.... $100,000 maximum..

So the rating is 5  (bald) former trading faces Stars with boobs on there back..   That's it, thats all you get..  Ok - Why boobs on the back - well the male contestants were interviewed on why they all made such bizzare changes..  "Its much easier to look at a womans boobs when shes not looking at you"  "The boobs provide much better traction while mountain biking"  "No more fumbling with that bra hook, its right there in front"  "boobs on the back will strengthen the abs"  "when your at the beach and a woman asks you to rub suntan lotin on her BACK - how cool would that be!"  etc.. etc.. etc..  It was unanimous, and ludicrust so the show was canceled due to the extreme uniformity of the outcome.. 

Nice ride PM

PS - honerable mentions from last week

"Hey theres rookie - Where rookies cookie"  - I think Web mistress has a new name