I touch myself, at Soapstone So it goes a little something like this..... Tuesday night Vernon Cycle shop ride at Soapstone. GI Jane rolling up at 5:59 with PMD on his bumper. Looks like Focker heading the other way, like he is done riding already. Going to happy hour? Maybe the Bikerag dating service has come through with a winner. Get to the parking lot and it is almost full so who needs Focker any way. We get Puke Master so were good to go. Or do we? So who is on this fiesta of a ride? We have Splatt leading us with PMD, PIT, Joe Dirt, D-Nice, Keith, Jeff, Steve and GI Jane. PM is in the parking lot but claims to have already ridden with Focker and is going home to do some work. Says he has some video of Alotta Fagina on the site now. He must be looking to make some money with the site and has gone XXX to do so. Is he riding with us? No he is just there to make sure PMD is all geared and Gonadviled up. It is a touching sight to see PM with a tear in his eye like a parent sending their child off to the first day of school as we roll out. So now we all get to see PMD on her own. Hmmm. And were off. Cross Gulf Rd. and head north. Up single track to the left off of dirt rd. through some logging. Halfway up and PMD is stopped and is stretching. What does she have planned? How flexible dos she have to be? Any way we continue on and get to the top of the climb where a miss and out crit has spontaneously started. Or is it more like being stuck on a clover leaf off ramp? Finally Splatt peels off and we head down some more rolling single track with many rocks, roots and ruts. Get to a fork and go right to long rock garden section. Option around to the right but no takers. PMD goes next to last so GI Jane can heckle/encourage her. She tries once and gets bucked off. GI Jane suggests that the sweet spot is more to the right so she lines up and goes again. She gets further in this time but not quite all the way. Too much Gonadvil can make you jumpy and nervous, so the bottle says. We catch the group and cross the dirt road, head towards the pond and go left to fun twisty rooty singletrack. Minor bottle necks here and there and we make it to another dirt rd. GI jane glasses fogging up so he complains about too much talking and stopping and keeps on going on single track. Hop up onto rock on right of trail and Jane gets a little chain ring. Steve follows and tries to put chain ring through the rock - what an interesting noise that was. Regroup at main dirt road before crossing Rt. 190. PMD has super powers and crosses right in front of speeding Toyota. Toyota has good brakes and horn and manages to not fall victim to the PMD force. Who is in charge of watching her if PM is not here? Up the pavement to left on dirt rd, first left onto single track. Good downhill to bridge over stream to steep climb out. Bodies scattered everywhere. Regroup at the top of the climb. Jeff complaining of some shifting issues. Jane makes small adjustment and seems better. Splatt has not seen the new Jeff ride - the Heckler. Very impressed. Light, squishy, perfect. Splatt considering a quiver of bikes, starting with 3" travel up to 10" in 1" increments. Will ride one while a caddy runs behind with 2 or 3 other bikes so he can switch as needed. Back to the ride. Some double track to another dirt road to right up loose double track to uphill right hand singletrack. Splatt offers front of the pack to GI Jane. Jane quickly declines and is determined to stay in the back tonight. Both did 50 miler on Sunday and neither is super fresh. At least Jane is not. Spaltt is putting down a good pace so maybe he is recovered after all. Maybe he didn't even feel tired after the 50 miler. What do I know? Up the hill to left on more fun singletrack to ledge step up. D-Nice goes for the big part and just misses. Much respect for the try. On up a little to quick regroup and right hand turn. Next is a steep short climb to short steep chute down. Options for the chute are duscussed but Jane gets to the conversation late and with a full face helmet on so he can't hear so good. The result is Jane screws up and gives wrong info to the back of the pack. Jane is so self centered he blames Splatt for the screw up and starts calling him names. Splatt calmly ignores Jane as the fool he is and leads on down the best singletrack of the ride.(Note - Jane later realizes he is an ass and apologizes to Splatt. Splatt accepts but suggests Jane fix this character flaw.) Take right at the bottom on dirt rd. D-Nice bike starts making odd sounds. Jane and D-Nice stop to look and the problem is readily found. D-Nice somehow has cross chained big to big and the rear der. is about to explode and kill someone. D-Nice claims to never have even used the big ring, wasn't even sure he had one. Jane thinks he is starting to push his own limits and is in denial. Jane tells D-Nice to gently shift out of the big ring and all is well. Both catch upto Jeff who slowed to wait and keep on rolling. Where is everyone else? We keep going straight through every intersection and finally catch up at Rt. 190. Spaltt tells everyone, especailly PMD, to cross with care. Take right off pavement to dirt rd. This is where it gets good. Or out of hand, or in hand? Regroup on the dirt rd. and PMD is doing something. She claims she had to switch seats due to damaging her good one which has her riding the old one. Seat and adjustment of it is a bit off causing issues. So she stops, takes off pack and fishes out what appears to be a tin of Dermatone lip schit. It's not even sunny out and she's worried about chapped lips? Sort of. She grabs a dollop of the schit, sticks her hand down the front of her shorts and applies it to her most intimate of places, or there abouts. She didn't even mind that the HIV light was on her! Wow what a ride. Great single track and hot women in tight lycra touching themselves, and the ride isn't over yet! Try to focus on riding again and take left off dirt rd. to more twisty, rooty and now stunt filled singletrack. First obstacle is usually a jump heading in opposite direction, but now it is a tricky up hill log pyramid. Jane rolls up as sweep and hears Joe Dirt complaining about his ass. Seems he didn't quite make the pyramid and took the nose of the saddle in the ass on the way back down the ramp backwards. Two rides in a row for Jane and both times we have guys talking about their asses. Mentle note to stay close to PMD in case she starts to talk about her ass. Some trail elves have built a few ramps and drops along the trail. Jane gives the ramp drop a try and gets a good case of huck neck but holds onto the landing. Joe Dirt trys the ramps and something goes wrong. Gets up muttering about changing the head angle of his Bullit back to slack posistion. But he's up again and cleans it next try. Nicely done. Splatt is pointing to the line he worked on and is riding. Looks good but no takers in the dark. Keep rolling and now we find a few more stunts. Joe Dirt contemplates, Splatt heckles and he declines. Jane up for it and cleans. On to where down ramp used to be but ramp is gone so now it is a steep roll to mini huck. Oh well do it anyway and it is smooth like buttah. Keep rolling and now we are backtracking towards pond to dirt rd. Splatt offers a choice of 1 mile of dirt rd or singletrack back to the cars. All vote for singletrack, but it is up hill of course. PMD sets a torrid pace, so I hear, up the hill and crushes all fragile male egos. Humbled men are left in wake. Regroup at the top and now we have loose, debris filled DH to the road. All make it safe to the pavement, PMD doesn't get hit by any cars and we are done. Rating? Good for a night ride. Made great by the naughty PMD show. Ever notice Puke Master never has chapped lips? Now we know why. "I touch myself when I think about you...." Sing it QM!!