Rookie lost his cookies

Warning - this recap may be harmfull to your mental health and contains very little actual riding..

So its 3:49 and focker shows up at the compound - I gave him a ride to Bradley so I could use his car for a week..  So far I like it, handles pretty nice around corners, but lands a little heavy on the dukes of hazard style bridge crossings

6:00 - Ride - Case - Bikerag invading the VC (VietCong) - thanks to Miso heads Spam..  Eggs bacon and spam, spam spam and spam....  Just kidding MH..  So another role reversal, SSK left GI-J at the bustop but forgot to pack him the medical kit lunch box..  Parking lot is packed, Team A GI, MH, JD, CT, DTM, Steve? etc.... Team B Puke, PMD, PIT, HL, ROOOOOOKIE (without any cookies, but ready with forks in hand), S&B, Rickshaw and last but last Candlestick (rookies buddie not to be confused with rookies cookie please!!)..

So HL hasnt ridden in weeks, I bring her bike, no light mount GI comes through and hooks her up..  So I put my tights on and gather at the mosh pit in the middle..  Ready??, not yet..  J. M. - former serial killer, and the king of case mountain has something to say..  Jack is a good guy and has some good intentions so I don't want to diss him (but my people will)..  He is also a great technical mountain biker, and is very flexible, before his speech I saw him bend over, pull down his spandex, shove his head so far up his ass that you could see his facial features and expressions through his stomach as he lectured us in muffled Charlie brown parents tones..  His campaign slogan - "when JM speaks, everyone listens (except for PIT and the 15 other riders)"....  SO JM is lecturing anal retentive biker 101 style (chalkboard in hand tool in the other)  and telling us how HE built the parking lot, and to conserve space, and how he is the ruler of case mountain, and how he sees the biggest problems of case being punk kids partying at the lookout..  And enough about me, let me tell you about me.. (highpictched) Me me memmmmemmemmem.... memememmeemme...memmmemem..mmemmeme So then the Bonehead tells all 20 of us to CALL 911 if we see anyone partying..  Please ignore this, 911 should be reserved for emergencies like when your blow up doll springs a leak..  PIT is laughing his ass off "who is this guy"..  God forbid any teenagers score some booze and are having fun, lets lock em up and make them PAY!!!!  We all want to get rolling, but instead he keeps at it (ba blah ba blah ...)  and all eyes were rolling, even GI-J..  So anyway be careful where you gather during a ride, as if your caught having fun, you might end up with a 9mm slug in your head..  And a message to JM (because we now know you are on the "rag" all the time) - your works sessions are fine, but we do maintenance to ALL the trails ALL the time so don't think we don't chip in!!  Oh and we work on other riding spots too, not just case!!  What a great way to start off a ride, JM pulled his ass out of his head (or vice versa) and rode off into the sunset with his kneepads and buddies..  End of pointfull rant

So up the carriage path, PMD leading group B..  Group A goes left and leaves us in the dust, we sort of follow but take the redonkulouse blue yellow..  PMD tightens her cage to handle my big battery - onward.... Qm would have been proud as I was following a small slug in granny 1..  To blue, left on blue, rookie in the lead using all 7 inches of his forks..  I do the old bushwack blue uphill I like soo much, to red..  We wait..  I piss..  We wait..  Fix PMD's shifters..  We wait..  We double back for candlestick..  He started following other lights - UFO's??  Got em!  Off like a prom dress Rick shaw in the lead, deja-puke back to red insertion, huck the 1.2, to blue split..  We wait talk about options..  HL pretends her light is dead so her and PMD can bail..  Pace is too slow for her and SHE hasn't ridden in like 6 WEEKS..  No joke!!  So her and pmd do a U-ey and put in like double our miles in 1/2 the time..  They even caught some teens at the lookout and dragged them back to their parents by there ears...  I don't make this Sh!t up!!  So..   With the 2 girls gone, now we can really ride, really really ride, ride really really really SLLLLLLOW..  Headed for the slickrock!!  Rokie in the #1 position me in #2 consitpation position and i have to wait till tomorow to crap..  To nemesis rock garden, I fail, and flail twice..  S&B is lost "where the hell are we?"  To stream to slick rock, PIT and I clean, and wait at the top.. To cliff traverse, rookie follows my line almost..  Right on Fern connector..  Down to Jersey, I drop the 1.2 footer..  To swamp  we wait..  PIT and I caught up on old times, wrote a book, adjusted our bikes, hid behind trees and scared eachother, and finally we sent the cookie monster out in search for a candlestick..  came back in no time..  Onward, Drop, a-cup, Log ride, chimney trail, carriege path..   S&B and CS bail due to LOL (lack of light you aol focks!!)

Now that all the girls are gone its time to ride!, No Really, its time to ride, I clit you not!!!   To lookout "LOOKOUT!!"  to ledges, Rookie following my line and lapping up the dust like chips ahoy crumbs.., Right on old HIGHLY ILLEGAL blue ledge trail - OOPS there it is..  Very cool tech lines even caught the rookie monster RM and his forks by suprize..  I hucked a huge 2 footer at the bottom and landed on a tree - QM would have been so impressed..  Speaking of QM, he couldnt make it due to scheduling conflicts since he is head of the MWWP (Mountainbikers Who Watch Porn ASSociation - Not to be confused with Mothers With Wet Puddy's)..  QM wants rookie to join but him and WEB MISTRESS are too busy with fight club on weaknights..  THis recap is out of control..

Back to the lot, we gather for an awesome clusterchat..  Too bad JM wasnt here as we cracked open a keg and smoked some shwag..  TO the tiger

Table for 4..  S&B, RM, MH and puke, were greated by drink wielding pornstars who will get big tips (and probably tits at some point in there illustriouse careers)..  Talks of sleeping with scissors, wallyball, forks and cookies, dating, blind dates, heavy blind dates, religion, sacroligouse activities, rookies faith, blind faith, wich brings us to wells woods which is where TT wants to ride ToNight..   Rookie went to john harvards to find his cookies..

Rating - Lots of paranoi in the air these days, you can worry about so many situations..  Like the tunnel you are riding through could collapse or the ends could be sealed with concrete..  A sniper from maryland could mistake you for a partying teen and pick you off like a booger on the end of that very teens nose..  You could be bitten by a west nile mosquito while music is playing once bitten twice shy baby..  A new terrorist mountain biker could could line his spd's with c4..  But thats not my concern..  Im paranoid of being on a ride thats so slow that all of my joints turn to stone as if they were stared at by medussa..

OH - the ratings are out of control lately - so the rating is my new one handed lighting system, with is a LIVE human head full of biting snakes that I will hold with one hand as the gleaming trail piercing eyes lead me through the woods turning all oncoming riders to stone..

Cheers - to an ugly, sweatless, stuntless, bandterfull ride - PM

Still better sitting at home and watching porn - GI begs to differ..