Forward - This is anklebiters first climb recap, and he did a pretty dam good job.. From now on, I would like to see a poem instead of the crass rating system.. Its just more PC.. Things to know before you read below - Ankle biter is a lunatic, Focker is really Big Bird conjoined to Jane Henry who used to be SWB, Gstring is not Gstring but is gstring because THMP was staring at a gstring while thinking bling bling, PM is me and ze french girl who saiz We We called me a bastard within 23.. THMP had some company later on, when he took a Pee.. Thats all the info from me - read on..
Ah yes. There's nothing like a 1200 word recap written on a Friday night to
indict one's lack of a social life. Well anyway here it is (and if you actually
read this slathering of bullshit, you'll see I left a space for you to add some
rankings):
* * *
Prime Climb Back to Flashback Recaps
4-10-03 Thursday Night
So I tried it. Puke got me out the Prime Climb tonight, I used Focker's old
harness (without Focker in it, of course). I'm hooked. I promised a recrap as a
token of my appreciation to Puke for showing me how it is done. We went to Smoky
Bar where I managed not to smoke afterwards. So yeah. I'm supposed to write a
recap. I'm sort of procrastinating. I really don't feel like it. Maybe I can
write one tomorrow.
4-11-03 Friday Night
So Puke emails Prime Climb again today at 5:30. What a perfect way to delay
having to write that recap...I'll just climb again...what a perfect excuse.
I get there (I see PMD on the way down...I stop to ask her if she's climbing and
almost get rear-ended by some dude driving a pink Ford Probe (no it wasn't Crash
Test...first of all he doesn't have a Probe anymore (he's got that happening
fast Nissan now, don't you know)...second of all, Crash's Probe was a much more
manlier magenta...and third of all, I doubt Crash ever drove like such a hostile
aggressive a-hole)). I meet Puke in the parking and head in. I see Focker
stretching like he's trying to prevent an injury or something. I get on my
first (and best) climb of the day, I forget to say all that safety stuff or
whatever to Puke and just start climbing. I'm pretty sure I was tied in as well.
Nice little corner climb. I slipped a little and what do you know, I was tied in
after all. That's a plus. We go to the back room. Puke says that he likes it
quiet without the music and such. I thought that was peculiar and was careful to
make a note of it.
I'm then just watching, laying on the mat watching Focker and Puke climb crap
that is looking pretty impossible to my gravity obeying ass. So I sit there and
start dreaming back to the first time at Prime Climb. (Insert wavy flashback
music to carry us back to last night)
Ah...my first time at Prime Climb. So this is what it is. Pretty cool. I rent
the shoes and for five bucks and Focker's harness, I'm ready to climb. Puke
shows me how to tie in, what to say (he said something about communication being
the most important thing I think but I really wasn't paying attention). He then
tells me that's all I need to know. I rainbow (look ma, my first use of climbing
lingo!) all the way up and think I'm pretty snazzy. I get down. Focker comes
over and shows me how to tie in. Hmm. He told me many things Puke neglected to
tell me like "climb with your legs," "scout your line first," and "don't fear
the reaper." So I did my first course. It was like a orange 5.5 or something.
Quite a bit different from my friendly rainbow connection...this was
challenging. Oh boy.
I think I made it to the top but I admit it, I was a little self-conscious. I
was convinced Focker was staring at my ass and there wasn't anything I could do
about it (Is it me or has anyone else ever had this feeling?) Its not you AB
- Thats why I always wear long pants!! Always!!
I get down and Puke is the belay-dude for Jane Henry (new nick name for
Jess....I heard there is even a legend about her*) . As I see JH move gracefully
from hold to hold, I'm beginning to understand just how awkwardly clumsy I am.
And I continue to watch Puke, JH, and Focker employ something called
"technique." It really seems to be useful, as opposed to my panic of "I-don't-want-to-fall-again-but-I-can't-hang-on-because-both-of-my-arms-and-both-of-my-legs-are-shaking-from-fatigue-and-I-can't-move-because-I'm-completely-paralysed-and-now-my-fingers-are-slowly-loosing-their-grip-I-better-do-something-or-I'm-going-to-fall."
So yes...right about there, I fall.
Puke, sensing my lack of self-esteem, takes me to the slab. Ah....much better.
The slab is my friend. I'm able to clean something. It felt good.
And so my first night at Prime Climb ended. And we're off to smoky bar (or as it
is known to us locals, "Snorticles"). I enjoyed those beers and I really
enjoyed the company (well for the most part...Puke gets a chicken sandwich and
bitched about it the entire time because the chicken was sliced instead of
whole...I tried to explain to Puke it is the same chicken but just sliced, but
no matter, he was an completely inconsolable).
(Now insert wavy flashback music to take us back to the present...Friday night
at Prime Climb).
So G-String (THMP) shows up to join me, Puke and Ficker. He's fired up.
Puke climbs the sky wall. Very nice climb. Focker decides he has to leave. He is
being very cryptic and I just wish he would open up. I ask him if he is going
to join me at Westwoods on Sunday...but he is very noncommittal. I want answers.
Yes or no. But too late...Just like that Big Bird he flew in on, he's already
gone. G-String is busy showing me the finesse I need to learn.
So yeah. More self-humiliation. But I'm still trying. I do a little more slab to
get the ego up a little. We start to get near the end of the night. I'm
fighting some stupid white course in the corner. I peaked out at about 8 feet.
G-strings goes for it and get about 12. I feel somewhat vindicated after
G-String says that's is no 5.7. Damn straight. It's nothing short of a
5.13-quadruple-double-plus-C. Totally unclimbable. G-String says he thinks there
was a hold missing. I concur and add that there were probably more like four
holds missing (perhaps JH's hammer inadvertently struck them down?). So Puke
tries it. That s.o.b. cleaned it. We couldn't believe the ridiculous move he
made to jump up to snag a tiny hold.
We warm-down a little (I, of course, on the slab...woo hoo!). Puke and G-String
are going to smoky bar, but I tell them I can't join them as I can't
procrastinate anymore and must now get home to write this work of art. (I'd
hate to disappoint the twelve people who will actually read this written assault
on the English language)
O.K. I'm lazy now so I'm going to let Puke insert whatever the hell the rankings
are for these two climb recaps (That is if he isn't in too much of a tiff from
Friday night's sliced chicken sandwich from smokybar...you know he's too
obstinate to order anything different):
We dont need no stinkin rating, oh just some sawed off kankle homletts,
with beafeater and orange juice..
* Not only is there a legend, but there is also verse to accompany the legend.
From what I read on the bathroom wall, it goes something like this:
A night at Prime Climb Jane Henry was mighty bold
Something was out of place she took a hammer to a hold
Swings of brutal strength she unleashed mighty blows
Hit it down and around until it suited her flow
True and true she climbed it great
Although she turned a 5.11
Into a 5.8